I realized something about myself. And when I did that, I realized something else. First realization first. It occured to me yesterday that I always have to have something big and exciting on the horizon. Whether it’s thinking about working for Greenpeace, planning on the dreadlocks that will soon be cushioning my head (my thanks to you K-trizzle) or joining the peace corps for a few years, I always need something. A large part of me thinks that without these large events I won’t have anything to pull me through today. And maybe that’s true. I don’t enjoy the present, not fully anyway. I goof around and joke and laugh but I wonder if I would still do those things if I didn’t have a more exciting tomorrow simmering on the backburner. Could I be comfortable with just today? Can I enjoy the thoughts of tomorrow and love the life of today?
The second bit that came to me was the fact that I love having realizations. Like this one. And the one just a few lines up from this one. Perhaps it’s because I like to have an excuse for past actions. Maybe I like to imagine myself as a very introspective (is that a word and if so, is it the correct one?) person, someone totally in-tune with himself and his feelings, constantly making discoveries about his innerworkings but maybe it’s just because I’m a little late in the game. People say that hindsight is 20/20 and I wonder if these realizations could be a result of simple reflection on past actions. No matter what it is, I don’t want to have any more of these realizations past occurence. For once, I’d like to know exactly what I might do, why I would do it that way and then make the smart choice from there. Also, I would like a pet unicorn, a few rides on a rainbow and to join the x-men.
